So yet another year has begun. As I walk into 2013, my second year of homeschooling my three children, I have high hopes for all that will be accomplished. I'm not really a 'resolution-setter' in that I've always associated them with diets for some reason...yet I find myself setting many goals for this year. It seems this year, the final year of my life before I turn 40, I have an overwhelming urge to finally do those things on my bucket list that I have been stalling on for years now. Starting a blog has been one of them...so here I am.
I love homeschooling, truly I do. I love seeing my children learn. There is nothing like watching a child go from being a non-reader to truly loving the written word. I am blessed to have a front row seat to the magic that is created when siblings rejoice in one another's achievements. I relish in the learning detours we take--the ones that develop out of a passionate interest sparked in a child who learns something new about the majesty of God's creation and simply has to discover more about it. Here in my house, we have the time to take these detours. We have the time to miss a day to visit a local museum or aquarium. We have time to invent, to investigate, and to inquire. And this is a gift I do not want to take for granted.
I still somehow struggle with my identity in it all. Who am I really? Am I a stay-at-home mom? Yes..but not really. I do laundry, dishes, cook, and clean, and yet I teach full-time. Am I the professional I was years ago when I taught public school? Yes...but not really. I work hard on my lessons yet I wear workout clothes everyday hoping to fit in a half-hour on the treadmill in the basement, I am lucky to get a shower, and my 'colleagues' consist of my 3 kids, my dog, and my in-laws. So where do I really fit in?
I think my rush to hurry up and make something of myself by the time I'm 40 is really an insecurity. It's a self-doubting, a wondering if I've done anything of true significance yet and if not then time is running out. What if my kids actually never learn anything at all? What if I lose my mind urging yet one more child to finish the last 5 math problems on the page? But that is a lie. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, friend, and a child of the King. This tells me that my 39 years have indeed impacted those whose lives I've touched, just as so many others have made a difference in my own.
I think the real issue is sacrifice, and this can apply to any job, career, or life-calling. The true question is--am I willing to sacrifice what may have been my goals say...in my 20's...for the sake of others' gain? In my case, am I willing to give up some dreams I may have had in order for my children to experience a richness that wouldn't otherwise come to them? I can honestly say not always, or at least that it's a struggle some days. It can be easy to resent the giving up of oneself. It can be easy to want to flee from what feels like a constant outpouring of my time, energy, and heart. I know that for many reasons this is what my children need of me. God has provided the means for it to happen. And I believe the joy of true accomplishment can only come in the full surrender to the plans He has for me. I must view my 39th year through His eyes, and live it as He would see fit. Only by honoring Him will I ever feel like I have truly found my identity.
Blessings from the Heights,
Catherine
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